THESE NEW OLD TRADITIONS

I asked for a football, but instead I got this missing child they just found on Christmas day. Cool, I guess…

“It is rare in stranger abduction cases [that] so much time can pass without a tragic ending. This was truly a Christmas miracle.”

A miracle? Jesus walked on water, healed the blind with dirt and spit, and then finished off the day by raising the dead. Unless I missed the memo, the bar has been set pretty high.

Plus: Cops Twittering your drunk ass, awesome lady attacks Pope, and one of Obama’s balls has Mao’s face on it! After that jump…

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A blue moon that will not be blue will appear (again, not blue though) this New Year’s Eve. But it won’t be blue.

“The moon you’ll see won’t appear blue but it’s known astronomically as a blue moon because it’s the second full moon this month.”

Duh. It’s called a “blue” moon because it’s the second moon of the month and “blue” rhymes with “two” so, you know, there you have it.

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Innocent until proven guilty? F- that! If you’re caught drunk, the Fuzz is gonna post your name on Twitter.

“I sincerely doubt that the fact that I’ve put someone’s name on a Twitter page is going to affect their right to a fair trial.”

I mean, I guess your non-legally binding “serious doubt” should be good enough, but I’m gonna need more proof. Tell you what. Let’s post all the cops’ names and badge numbers on Twitter, and see if it’ll have any effect on the way people view their law enforcement.

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Crystal Celtic knot to be added to new Time’s Square Crystal Ball of Wonder this year. Hmmm…awesome? Yes, awesome.

“The crystals feature an interlocking ribbon pattern, woven into a Celtic knot, to illustrate the theme ‘Let There Be Courage’.”

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See, people think Baudrillard is just Graduate School blabber, but the simulacrum is upon us, people, and it’s soooooo much lamer than we thought it’d be. Recognize.

“They also demonstrated a new ‘Clink-Clink’ iPhone application for virtual toasts, which Waterford helped design. It enables two people [to] make a toast with images of Waterford champagne flutes and cocktail glasses displayed on their phones’ tiny screens. ‘It is a way for people to share a virtual toast all around the world’.”

Dude, you sound ridiculous. Get a hold of yourself.

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Remember when Christmas meant you didn’t have to get killed in front of your kids?

“[The Salvation Army attendant] was shot and killed as his children—ages 4, 6 and 8—watched.”

At some point you’re like: I may be against the death penalty, but maybe just this once for old time’s sake…

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“Woman knocks down pope at Mass; Christmas celebrations begin” (Again, the actual headline)

“Allen said that generally, these disruptions are caused by people who aren’t seeking real harm, but who want to be close to the pope.”

Yes. Get “close” to the Pope. Close enough to knock his arse to the ground, apparently.

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Funny take on the White House Christmas ball ornament scandal. Conservatives continue to dumb down the entire world.

“The image of Warhol’s ‘Mao’ purported to add further evidence to insistent claims that the president is actually the Manchurian candidate—a callous secret socialist bent on destroying American democracy from within.”

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Two ladies are caught with pot in their car…on Christmas!

“Some of the pot, dubbed in the same article as ‘Christmas cannabis,’ was found in luggage; some were in boxes that were then wrapped as Christmas gifts.”

Wait…. So, you smoke the actual gifts? Like, bows and all? Where’s the carb on that?

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Rage Against the Machine backed that thing against Simon Cowell, but ultimately lost the competition. Close, though. [CORRECTION: They won... My bad.]

“Simon is an interesting character. He seems to have profited greatly off humiliating people on live television and has a unique position of capturing the attention of people on television, but also the airwaves. We see this [campaign] as a necessary break of that control.”—Zack de la Rocha

I don’t know. I expected something a little more…intense from Zach on this.